Silicon Valley’s ‘5 Guys’ Power Rankings: ‘Third Party Insourcing’

Every week during this opening season of Silicon Valley, A man must have a code will write the ‘5 Guys’ power rankings in lieu of writing episode recaps. Hopefully, this, just like the show itself, will continue forever and ever until infinity. Or should I say, until ‘∞’. (That’s right, I too know H.T.M.L.)

Apologies to Gilfoyle. Not that we were high when we made this week’s list but you still believed it, didn’t you? This isn’t jealously, it’s just the opposite of normal. 

1) Richard (last week: No. 1)

Yeah, I might have to reassess this whole “Steve and Steve” thing. It turns out that you can be a poseur, yet still age a full 40 years in seven weeks. It’s a little humbling to hear that coming from the doctor’s mouth. Programming is the only thing I’m good at and really, I’m not even as good, let alone better, than some kid called The Carver and who calls me Shaggy Man!

Well, you know what? Shaggy was a rockstar. And old rockstar, sure. But not one to have all the clichés in the world like The Carver did. He was no plumber who fixed clogged pipes nor did he rip through carcasses. He had old man strength, and that can go a long way. He sure didn’t need Adderall. That’s why those lips stay so close together when I don’t talk, it’s because you don’t want me to run my mouth!

2) The Carver (last week: unranked)

He’s just a kid and his name is just Kevin. You forget it sometimes, looking at everything that the one behind the menacing-sounding screen name has already done. Kevin’s just a kid. And sometimes, between taking down Bank of America and your own engine, you forget that the kid just needs his Adderall. No harm in that. (Well alright, maybe some…)

And though Kevin is young, it’s not quite right to say that he’s just a kid. He already knows the value of money—or rather, his money. And you currently have $20,000 that’s his. Pay up.

3) Dinesh (last week: unranked)

Dinesh is a soldier. He’ll do what he’s told and there are no lines that he won’t cross. Well okay, that’s not actually true. There are plenty of lines he’s not willing to cross, but he’ll at least do the work. Yet this week there’s a very strange energy in the house, as he’s led to believe some things that he never should be led to believe. Now of course, he may have been the new Denzel but this was a long time ago. These days, he’s more Danish than Denzel. But still though, Dinesh has a perfectly symmetrical face and that’s perfectly fine.

So dammit if he doesn’t start to believe it too. And dammit if he will not make that fatal list of pros and cons. And dammit if he will not need only the one word that rhymes with emasculation but that most certainly isn’t that. Dinsh wants the satanic chick. He has all the reasons in the world not to, but he just needs that one word.

4) Jared (last week: unranked)

Well really, that took a turn for the—well, I don’t want to say worse yet, but it’s not what this lap dog had anticipated. One moment I’m on my way back to see the boys with some good news and the next, I’m dealt bad news. I’m shipped out. Like, actually.

That’s the problem with these outside-the-box solutions. Sometimes, you end up right back in a box. In a different box, sure, but in a box nonetheless. You’re so focused and intent on smiling and being the perfect companion, reinventing ways to make life easy for your master, that the wheel leads you out of your box into someone else’s.

So there you are, stuck in a box that you can’t get out of. But have no fear, friends. I will continue what I was born to do so long as—nope. That’s it for my cellphone battery. That’s no good. Help? Until next time, friends. Please pray for me that I remain more man than machine. “Sailing takes me away.”

5) Driverless car (last week: unranked)

The driverless car has no master. Or rather yes, he does have one master but his name certainly isn’t Donald-Jared. It’s Big Pete Gregory. (It’s passenger Donald-Jared rather, yes that’s it.) And though right now he’s due at the incubator with his passenger, this gets overturned quickly. The master has called and this car is due on the island. Donald-Jared, who? Little does this car know that this passenger is essentially a (mostly) human form of the same lap dog that this car is. He’s taking notes, amid the screams and the panic.