Silicon Valley’s ‘5 Guys’ Power Rankings: ‘The Cap Table’

Every week during this opening season of Silicon Valley, A man must have a code will write the ’5 Guys’ power rankings in lieu of writing episode recaps. Hopefully, this, just like the show itself, will continue forever and ever until infinity. Or should I say, until ‘∞’. (That’s right, I too know H.T.M.L.)

Please understand that no virgins were starved to death in the writing of this week’s list.

1) Richard (last week: No. 1)

Yeah, you see, when Peter Gregory said that I didn’t seem to know what I was doing, he wasn’t wrong. I have no clue, but I’m big enough to ask for help. I know the difference between tectonic and Teutonic, but I’m clueless about business plans. And because I don’t have a syllabus to rely on, I turn to the Wiki. And when the Wiki turns out to be too complicated, I turn to its human form that is Jared Dunn.

*Richard laughs*

Did you see this, guys? I made a joke. So I have my business plan and it turns out that our viking ship can’t really sail yet. We still need to trim the fat. And- God, what? Fired? Euh, no. Not yet, I don’t know. He’s out, erm, I don’t know. I, I just need to close my eyes a little bit. Please, really it’s best that I do. Otherwise I’ll insult you, all of you. I’ll say that it was my idea, that I started it. I’m Wozniak, remember? I don’t want to be a sell-out, or on a beach somewhere, so who gets his shares? I do, all of it.

Guys, what a week a difference makes, right? I know what you’re thinking. No hesitation, erm, okay just a bit of, euh, hesitation when I speak. But I can even RAISE MY VOICE now. I’m not an a-hole, but I can make a good approximation of one. Just like Jobs. No panic attacks, not even under the bright lights of the bank and the empty stares of Peter Gregory—though I suppose you could call drinking from an empty cup a sort of panic attack. I’m sipping that juice of the start-up world right now. But the cup is empty. And so is my bank account.

2) Nelson Bighetti (last week: unranked)

One first thing, Nelson Bighetti is best friend with the creator of a potentially billion-dollar company, yet all he could manage was a perverted, sexist thing that freaks out a woman that goes by the name of “Mochachino.” (Yes but you made something, Bighetti! Maybe not of yourself, but still.) One more thing, Nelson Bighetti knows that you don’t need all the dance music in the world, only to turn the bass way up. And then you’ll end up in San Jose after a 12-hour bike ride. One final thing, Nelson Bighetti does not have a big head. If it were described by Franz Joseph Gall and other phrenologists of history, his skull would be said to be of average size, if even that big. I mean, the thing is small, not big. Coincidentally, that’s what he does in life—make files smaller. Except that she’s making his bigger right now.

Big Head Index: Sh*tcanned. Let’s see, Big Head is said to be a great guy, just useless. He’s less a jack of all trades and more a master of none. He’s sh*tcanned by his best friend, only not exactly and not entirely and because of that, he’s the one who ends up doing the sh*tting and the canning when he accepts a position worth $600,000 per year and moves out to a place of his own.

3) Jared (last week: No. 4)

My name is Jared, and here I continue my narration of what makes the perfect lap dog. The perfect lap dog knows that sometimes, it’s his time to depart and leave his master alone. Especially if your other new master turns out to have a new bone for you, and especially if your other new master also values your business development skill set and needs pleated khakis.

The perfect lap dog also knows that you never go empty-handed to a launch party at the vikings’ incubator, and that if it seems like the party is lame you simply assume that you’ve come early. People skills are what I’m about, and that includes breaking up two best friends. If one master isn’t willing to tag others on the chin, then I’ll willingly step in. I’ll be the tough and bad guy, but you’ll have to ask first, sir. I will literally not do anything that you haven’t first asked me to, be it eating, sleeping—though I’m not sure I can promise this for my breathing.

I never sang acapella, but I can see why you say that. It’s because of my build, isn’t it? Well actually, I went to Vassar and studied- Oh, you’re just not going to let me finish? Is that so? I’m no Kanye West, sir. *Jared laughs* Or rather, I guess in this scenario, you would be Kanye West and I, Taylor Swift. Funny I should come up with this, it’s not the first time I’ve been said to be the Taylor Swift of start-ups. Probably my ghost-like features.

4) Gilfoyle (last week: unranked)

Gilfoyle may well be the holiest of the holier than thou crowd. He is talented and intelligent, but to say that he simply hasn’t put it together is too kind to him. He has always felt that it should be up to society to put it all together for him and his off-putting brand of self-belief.

He’s an architect of computer systems, a wizard of this little thing called The Internet who stopped one click short of starting the second Iranian Revolution only because he could. Everything he does in life is of his own volition, or so he says. If you can get the new Skrillex remix under 12 seconds, or the 1′s and 0′s of YouPorn to your sh*tty smartphones to jerk off with your flaccid manhood, it’s not magic. It’s talent. His talent. In life, there’s no magic, only talent. (Except where his talent doesn’t suffice, in which case let’s simply agree to never mention anything ever again.)

Gilfoyle does not care for pleasure or fun, you little dipsh*t. It’s sweat and work, always and only. Now if you’ll excuse him, he has bodily fluids to preserve. And f ck Mass Effect 3 alternate endings.

5) Mochachino (last week: unranked)

Mochachino may well be one of the last remnants of the modern American Dream. She presumably wakes up every day and goes about her business of getting the guys of Silicon Valley fully (or politely) erect. She works hard, having decided not to put the silicon in the name of the city she lives in. It’s not fulfilling, dancing for men-boys who can’t make eye contact and never shook the hands of a girl until 17, but she continues to do it for her family. For her life. For a promise of a better tomorrow. May we suggest moving from the nerds to the billionaires to speed it up? If nothing else, the Amex would be the Centurion Card.