Every week during this opening season of Silicon Valley, A man must have a code will write the ‘5 Guys’ power rankings in lieu of writing episode recaps. Hopefully, this, just like the show itself, will continue forever and ever until infinity. Or should I say, until ‘∞’. (That’s right, I too know H.T.M.L.)
Apologies to the two Hooli tools programmers. While your nexus may be optimal, your celebratory handshake isn’t. That’s unacceptable and it defeats the purpose.
1) Richard (last week: No. 1)
He said that she said that I was obsessed with her. There’s this girl running around saying that I’m obsessed with her, and unfortunately for my sake it’s turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, I’ll hear about it, then wonder over and over why she’s saying this, then I might even have my computer show a picture of her to the entire conference, and repeat to everyone how I’m so not obsessed with her. And it’ll just look like I’m obsessed with her. But it’s like, who do I got to worry about? Huh? You don’t care. Neither do I, and that’s the whole point.
I’ll tell you what I’m worried about, it’s that presentation. And that demo. That demo’s basically done, we’re good to go. But presenting? Me? No. Erlich’ll do that. But, euhm Erlich, steer them away from 3-D video. That part’s not ready yet.
2) Monica (last week: unranked)
While Monica is well aware of the gender dynamics in Silicon Valley, she’s been more front and center in the two most recent episodes. In fact, she’s not even the one steering anymore—just ask Jaredonald—and she’s also the one who sent Big Pete Gregory on a safari with the two people in the world he probably looks up to in Lorne Michaels and Kanye.
Monica is that good woman and now, rather than inspiring you, she is guiding you. She knows what a vortex of distraction will do to weak minds and she’s betting her entire future with this company, or rather the entire future of this company that she can embolden your inner strength. She’s done it for weaker folks. So media badges? The booth? Checking in the hotel? The face-recognition mobile software? Check, check, check and check, and we’re not even at the alcohol. Monica is a good woman. A lap dog is fine, Richard, but sometimes you need that good woman.
3) Nelson Bighetti (last week: unranked)
One first thing, though Nelson Bighetti is best friend with the creator of the potentially billion-dollar company that is Pied Piper, he’s the one with any kind of money right now. And really, it’s not just any kind. It’s the kind that allows him to buy a boat. It’s like he’s turned the tables on Richard. Better yet, it’s like the tides have turned. Coincidentally, the turning tides are where Nelson Bighetti will be taking his new boat. One more thing, Nelson Bighetti will have a boat guy, because every boat needs a boat guy to take care of it. Not that Nelson Bighetti would do so otherwise, you know, he’s still just about that rest and vest life.
Big Head Index: Two-face. Let’s see, on the inside Big Head is thrilled to see you. The rest and vest life, as we covered, isn’t too shabby, but neither was the Incubator. That’s where Big Head’s friendship with the wunderkind Richard developed after all. But on the outside, Big Head can’t be seen talking to this same Richard. Oh and Richard? You were obsessed with her.
4) Erlich (last week: unranked)
From where I stand, I’m a pro. That’s just a fact and it’d be silly to apologize for facts, so I will not apologize for being a pro. If you are a pro, then you will accept it, feel the mood in my room, in my Incubator, and you will dress accordingly. We’re at the Big Show today, guys, and I’ll ask that you don’t approach me as I’m working my magic and network the eff of this event. And by working my magic, I really just mean screwing everything in sight. Our odds of winning the competition, yes, but also that judge Dan Melcher’s next ex-wife. He might pack a gun, but mine’s bigger. Mankind has always sought to make things smaller, but the Hammer of God does not become smaller. He’s cared too much, too often.
5) “Yes” (last week: unranked)
These three letters of Shakespeare’s language have been widely underappreciated since the dawn of time, or at least the very first showing of Macbeth. Every day’s barometer starts with these three letters. It’s something that literally everyone can understand and appreciate, and everyone knows that…—Or maybe “Yes” is just the only word this Asian kid working at the Incubator knows.