Silicon Valley’s ‘5 Guys’ Power Rankings: ‘Optimal Tip-to-Top Efficiency’

Every week during this opening season of Silicon Valley, A man must have a code will write the ‘5 Guys’ power rankings in lieu of writing episode recaps. Hopefully, this, just like the show itself, will continue forever and ever until infinity. Or should I say, until ‘∞’. (That’s right, I too know H.T.M.L.)

Apologies to Dinesh. Chin up, buddy! Not all is lost. We will not be poor, for one thing. You’re not a total d*ckhead either. 

1) Richard (last week: No. 1)

Guys, we’ve done it. We embarked on a quest a long time ago, and we’ve arrived. It wasn’t smooth sailing, but that’s why we’re Vikings. Our engine was solid, and that’s all you need. You don’t need a boat, nor a boat guy to look over said boat. You just need good propellers.

Am I a failure? Or rather, is it possible to be a failure, yet still get the girl? Of course, neither will happen now that we’ll be invited to the big boys dance. I’ll continue living on two hours of sleep per night with my cold and my non-menstruating cramping stomach. I’ll get light-headed here and there, but it will never be for longer than a second.

Wait, what? I’ll get sued by people saying I took their idea? And that’s supposed to be awesome? Feels a little different.

*Richard runs. Richard finds garbage can. Richard vomits.*

(Hey, where have we seen this routine before? That’s right, in the pilot episode. Richard Hendrix is the real MVP.)

2) Gavin Belson (last week: unranked)

This is indeed rarefied air. Gavin Belson had made the TechCrunch Disrupt conference his priority numero uno. Gavin Belson had expected to walk in and waltz to the top prize, and had indeed done everything to ensure it would. He had the Nucleus, the size of which knows no boundaries. The Nucleus had reverse-engineered the Pied Piper cloud compression engine to a draw, yet it had more than 10 times its potential—because it was not potential. It was actuality. The Nucleus also had words like simplicity, massive functionality and interconnectivity floating around it.

We had the perfect Weissman score as well, a fancy car with a fancy engine. But it turns out inspiration can come in different forms. Maybe Gavin Belson should have looked to the work of art he purchased in ‘Signaling Risk‘ for inspiration. It’s a battle, but the war is still ahead. Goodness and greatness wait for no man, except Gavin Belson.

3) Erlich (last week: No. 4)

One thing you can say, they always leave their Dan Melcher once they’ve had a taste of the aviator that I am. I’m two for two, now. You’re welcome, guys. Not that I did it all by myself, we definitely got it done together, but I had to f*ck a wife (another one) and take a punch for us to move on. We got to the finals, without having shot our wad on the prelims—though I guess you could say that this is what I did and you wouldn’t be technically be wrong.

I said we’d have to act erratically and blindly, and that’s what we did. I didn’t think I could front a band without knowing what we’re playing, but it turns out I didn’t need to. Our beautiful bastard Hendrix brought it home. The inspiration can come from anywhere. One minute you’re just stroking, erm, data and the next, you’ve reinvented ways to compress said data.

4) Erlich’s shiner (last week: unranked)

This thing was a beauty. When judge Dan Melcher connected with Erlich’s face in ‘Proof of Concept,’ we couldn’t know this beauty would be the outcome. Even as Erlich got ready for the presentation he wouldn’t give, donning his blazer of grand occasions, the shiner still shined. Did his mind game with Gavin Belson work because of the things he said or because the shiner shined on? There’s no way to know, and that’s the point.

5) Shakira (last week: unranked)

You don’t need to see Shakira, you just need to hear her sing that song you haven’t listened to in years. And you know. The hips still don’t lie.