Silicon Valley’s ‘5 Guys’ Power Rankings: ‘Minimal Viable Product’

Every week during this opening season of Silicon Valley, A man must have a code will write the ’5 Guys’ power rankings in lieu of writing episode recaps. Hopefully, this, just like the show itself, will continue forever and ever until infinity. Or should I say, until ‘∞’. (That’s right, I too know H.T.M.L.)

What’s the list for this pilot episode? Well fly on in, dear reader. (Yeah, I’ll work on that.) 

1) Richard 

Guys. Hey, Richard here. Richard yeah, not-. No, not Rickie. Not Rico. Euh, it’s Richard. Hmm, it’s not like me to, erm, raise my voice so I would apprecia-. Can I say something? I know, I know it’s stupid, but it’s the time for guys like us. I mean, we can take charge and be the vikings of Silicon Valley. Just do it, guys. Euh…What? Ha, yeah there’s not much water in Silicon Valley. Oh, stop. Did you say… Wozniak? Oh! You guys don’t mean what, erm, you are saying. Wow.

You know, it’s hot in here no? Ouf, it is. Ha, I just-. The question to ask, erm, you know, is can we package that idea? If we do, you know, we could do it. Sail far away from Hooli. Hooli and the evil programmers. Euh, I’m hearing hesitation. Or no, hearing nothing at all. Are the lights dimmed? I’m, I, my throat hurts. Am I alone? I have, I go. Er, this is great. My knees are tingling and, erm, why are, why are my hands moist?

*Richard runs. Richard finds garbage can. Richard vomits*

2) Monica

If behind every great man there’s an even better woman, the dynamic is a wee bit different in Silicon Valley. Behind every billion dollars, there’s the boulevard of broken dreams (I mean, that was a Green Day song playing for the credits!) where there is one lone survivor, one nerd who has one brain which has one good and feasible idea. And behind that one nerd is one good woman.

Monica is that good woman. She will inspire you, and it has nothing to do with her beautiful hair, her heels or her gorgeous dress. It’s because she knows that Pied Piper isn’t just some silly songwriter app. You blew away their team of engineers once, and she intends to let you do it again. She’ll be the one steering the whole time, but will still convince you that you’re competing in the race by putting you in the driver seat. Well, except this time. She’s driving you home, today.

3) Erlich

Let me tell you something. You may not like me—or rather, you may think I’m rough. I am, I prefer tough love and to tell it to you like it is. No sugarcoating it, I’ll be eating my noodles, with a bobby pin in my hair, and if I gotta call you an asshole then I’ll do it. I’ve been there, and down one road, and that’s why I think you should do it the other way. That, and because I have a 10 per cent stake in your crazy invention that suddenly isn’t dumb because billionaires think it’s cool.

You need to give a sh*t, partner. Oh, yeah of course it’s not partner as in partner. It’s just partner. Pull yourself together. We can only achieve greatness by achieving goodness. I don’t give a sh*t if I stole that from that prick from Hooli. It’s true, so I use it. I don’t ask for much, you know I’m a simple guy. Use the incubator all you want, but give me a heads-up when you have meetings with the a-holes from Hooli. I have nicer shirts to wear.

4) Jared

My name is Jared and I know the secret to being the perfect lap dog. I smile a lot for one thing, but that’s not it. Wait, what? You say you can’t really see the smile? Well of course not, because then my master would ask me why I’m smiling. So I smile on the inside. I smile on the inside, and on the outside I let Mr. Belson know that I live to carry on orders. I have to be present, but not overbearing. Respectful, but not cold. Helpful, but not condescending. In case you were wondering, yes I still live with my parents. It’s good practice.

What I don’t keep hidden inside is my admiration and my dedication to the man that is Gavin Belson. (Don’t call him empty, that’s mean.) It’s an honour to wake up each and every day for possibly THE most progressive company in the world. (I added the emphasis.) You are here to see Mr. Belson, I know, but he’s running late right now. Oh, about 30 minutes, which is the same as 20 minutes ago. I know. I don’t have much to tell you, but he wants you to know that h’s excited to see you, and that’s why he sent me.

5) Kid Rock

Has there ever been in history a more glorious and random cameo in a television show than that of Robert James Ritchie in ‘Minimal Viable Product’? Well okay, there probably has been… But what about in a television show about start-up companies? Now I know I’m on to something.

Kid Rock is glorious. Think about this—the very first shot of the pilot episode of a series about nerds, posers, coders, and billionaires somehow is one of Kid Rock playing ‘Cucci Galore’ in front a decidedly underwhelmed public. He asks that someone “make some MF-ing noise,” but he’s met with stares instead… and maybe not even stares, given that social clues aren’t generally that audience’s forte. In Silicon Valley, you spend your time inside if you are invited to a house party. Kid Rock doesn’t understand this—other than for the five guys, he’s the poorest person at the party. But it’s not clear whether Erlich simply refers to a person’s financial net worth or if he factors in the might of his brain too. (I mean, either way…)

Kid Rock has his (just about literal) 15 seconds of fame, and the nerds insult him even when they don’t mean to. Their “good friend Kid Rock”? Eff those people.