Every week during this opening season of Silicon Valley, A man must have a code will write the ’5 Guys’ power rankings in lieu of writing episode recaps. Hopefully, this, just like the show itself, will continue forever and ever until infinity. Or should I say, until ‘∞’. (That’s right, I too know H.T.M.L.)
Apologies to the Hooli talking head, who does his job at the Hooli desk perhaps better than you or I and who would never dare to break anything. Over at Hooli, contracts are honoured. But this isn’t Hooli.
1) Richard (last week: No. 1)
I’ve, I gotta, I need to work on this big picture stuff. The vision. It had been going so well, just me and the guys, and I hadn’t, and when I had to speak I did so clearly. I was even taking care of my guys, buying t-shirts and a margarita machine. There had been no panic attacks.
Until now. I can’t make it past the weird thing in my mind, can’t make it to shore. We’re Vikings, but right now it feels like our boat is overrun with water. Wait, no that’s just my pants. GAH! Not my pants! I’m panicking, which you can see because I’ve decided to soak my pants in water. (I never go commando, thankfully.) It looked like I had peed my pants like a big baby. But I’ve, I’ve sorted it out. I’ve got it under control, it’s good.
I don’t have game, which is true, but I was going to show Erlich ambition. I have no vision either. Jared, I can’t see. All I see is swirls and stars. I’m CEO and, though we’re living in more complicated times now, I have a good team. The lap dog who will wear my soaking wet pants. There’s the guy that I hate, but who’s the best at approximating a socially functioning human. There are the two soldiers, too. But I have one nagging thought—was it actually a good costume that I wore at the party?
2) Erlich (last week: No. 3)
Listen, that was a wild ride. I’m the one who did all the drugs in this world in ‘Articles of Incorporation,’ but this was way worse. I went free bowling, and it had worked to a tee. I got you drunk, because game is only a few drinks away, and I woke up next to you, my Sleeping Beauty. (Well not literally next to you, but still…) We had happened, Richard, until the moment you said a thousand times no instead of a thousand times yes. I felt hurt. Betrayed. So I called you out for it.
But if you really have some Wozniak in you, I must be your Jobs and be there to nurture it. To nurture you. It’s not enough to lend you my incubator. I must be your big, fat, beautiful white man who steps up with a vision when you need one. It’s like you control the pipe, I just use it.
3) Peter Gregory (last week: No. 2)
Big Pete Gregory has some kind of showing in ‘Fiduciary Duties,’ and he deserves to make it for about 1,001 reasons—but in all honesty, that throne would suffice. The fact that he was carried on a throne to his party, then proceeded to get the party started with his all-world charisma. Big Pete is a legend. For that crown he wears. For hiring Flo Rida and then calling him Florida. Big Pete can do what he wants, so he calls the party the fourth annual Peter Gregory’s Foundation Orgy of Caring.
Big Pete will sit at his desk and listen to the man with the weird facial hair. He will not look at him, really, but he will laugh at his semi funny lame jokes, because though Pied Piper is one of 7 or 8, he cares about all 7 startups of a compression engine equally. He wants Pied Piper to do well, because Pied Piper doing well will stuff his pockets with $$. So he’ll let you have the upper hand this time. It’s okay, it’s him who’s sitting at the chair behind the desk. Not you, nor ex-friend Gavin Belson.
4) Brooke & Anastasia (last week: unranked)
We are actresses. We will smile a lot, even at you, which in turn will make you smile. You will be happy to see us here and forget that you have arrived at a stupid Roman-era party full of people and humans and that you’re uncomfortable when surrounded by other people and humans. We’ll smile and tell you how lovely and funny you are. Because you are. And we’re paid to say so.
Oops, did we say that out loud? We did, but we don’t even realize how much this may crush you. We’re pretty actresses, but that doesn’t mean we’re particularly smart. We just come up to you, smile and say how funny you are. Oh, we said that already? Well, we get to liven things up, get into conversations with the guests, which you’re part of, and be interested in them. Yeah, you don’t care. I’ll go see someone who does.
5) Flo Rida (last week: unranked)
Flo Rida is incredible. It’s like he had seen Kid Rock’s glorious 15 seconds of fame in ‘Minimal Viable Product,’ the pilot episode, and raised it tenfold. In all likelihood, this will be the random cameo to end all random cameos. He sings ‘How I Feel‘ and can rest assured that the streets loved his performance unlike Kid Rock’s. He’s a new man, because all the nerds and billionaires of Silicon Valley cheered him on—when their response had been decidedly lukewarm toward one Kid Rock.
Let me also say that when I throw my very own Roman Empire-era party, I want it to be Flo Rida who introduces me. “It’s time to meet the original OG gangsta, cash-money mobsta. Y’all put your hands together for my brother, the illest, the chillest CBG.” Yeah, it’ll be a thing of beauty.