The trailer for next summer's Entourage movie is finally here in all its glory.
It was released on Dec. 23, just in time to hijack any last-minute plans that the bros of our time might have had to spend quality time either with the family or looking for the best possible present for the loved ones.
You can have Christmas if you want it, I'll hang out over here with the trailer and the boys. Because Christmas never gave nobody nice calves, bro!
The trailer lives up to the billing, and it's only fitting to write about it today. Here are 10 of my favourite things about these gloriously stupid 153 seconds of cinema.
1) Vincent Chase as a bad cross between Calvin Harris, Hardwell and Tiësto cyborg EDM DJ. He still can't act, and it still doesn't matter.
2) "Sadly, all good parties must come to an end." Someone must have forgot to run this script by Billy Walsh before they started production.
3) The greatest line of Johnny Drama's life. And by greatest, I really mean the dumbest, stupidest and vilest thing he's ever said. This is no small feat—remember, this is the guy who said that mean, and I quote, "is when I made Jess Mancini ride her bike home after I [redacted] her."
(That this line happens to be basically his lone contribution to the trailer makes so much sense—anything more would have been overkill. Which may be is a good sign for the movie. Because the Entourage show has always been about overkill.)
4) "LLOYD!!!" Every time Ari has called out for Lloyd in Entourage, a puppy has died. Or, you know, something.
5) Marky Mark's "Get Marked" t-shirt. Generally, the bros tend to love everything about this most original bro.
6) Johnny Drama's "Cocktails" t-shirt. Everything Johnny Drama does tends to be idiotic. And in the Entourage world, idiotic is as good as it gets.
7) The Marky Mark bros. Something tells me that these guys put the "Get Marked" in "Get Marked." Also, that they put the "dumb" in "dumb." Also, that if you thought Vinny Chase can't act, just look at these bros. Also, that they pale in comparison with the gang from Queens. Also, that the Marky Mark bros are chopped liver. Also, that they could probably barely take on the Seth Green group of douche.
8) The corniness of Turtle and the predictability that he would ask Ronda Rousey out on a date. The (not-so) pudgy young man has always been a tender soul and he's never met a one-liner that he didn't like. Rousey is basically perfect for him.
9) Ari Gold versus the wall. Even if he hits a frame, Ari Gold is really aiming for the wall. He has not won every battle he has faced—hell, he's losing to his wife on a daily basis—but he's never met one he didn't like. When he loses, Gold just goes to town on whatever he can find. If it's a wall, then it's a wall that he hits with all the might of a petulant middle-aged man who never left childhood. The walls don't care—they don't have feelings, just ears. And eff them if they care!
10) E, or lack thereof. It's too simple to explain E as nothing more than just a vector to and an excuse to show off Sloan. During the gang's time at HBO, E took his fair share of abuse and hugs, and he's even made fairly decent career choices. But now that E and Sloan are married... yeah, the bros of #TeamEntourage have no use for E. The trailer needs Sloan, but it doesn't need E. And because there's no point in showing Sloan yet, it doesn't show E.
All in all, this is a fairly decent trailer. Could it be? Maybe this movie will be good? Right, bro? Or maybe the movie will be an actual real-life Medellin—a train wreck with a good trailer.
Either way, I'll be watching. I'll be watching out for those calves, too!